Ask The Pastor: What age should I allow my child to date?

I am really glad you asked this question because this is an important issue for every Christian family to think through. Given that our church has grown a lot over the past decade, and particularly with young families, we have a growing amount of kids who are starting to figuratively sing along with Timon and Pumbaa, “Can you feel the love tonight?” If we, as the parents, do not think through this issue from a biblical perspective, it would be very easy to simply fall into the trap of doing whatever culture is doing. And that is a really bad thing to use when looking for guidance when it comes to dating!

So what is a good age to start dating? My main premise is that the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Therefore, children should not date until they are at an age where they (and the other person) are ready to get married. Not just from a physical maturity perspective, but emotionally and spiritually mature as well.

I want to explore this in three parts: 1) The dangers of dating at a young age. 2) Some reasons, from a Christian worldview, why dating should start later. 3) What kids can do in the meantime.

The Dangers Of Dating At A Young Age

There are quite a few studies out there that reveal some of the pitfalls of dating at a young age. For example, a 2014 study published in the Journal of Adolescence found that teens who begin dating early (before age 13) are significantly more likely to engage in early sexual activity and have multiple sexual partners by late adolescence. Not to get too graphic, but it also showed that: 1) early daters also had higher rates of unprotected sex and teen pregnancy, and 2) the risk was especially elevated when dating was unsupervised or not linked to parental guidance.[1]

In another study released in 2019 by the Journal of School Health, it was revealed that adolescents who began dating early (middle school or early high school) were more likely to: 1) Experience higher levels of depression and anxiety, 2) Report lower academic performance, 3) Be more likely to engage in substance use. This study coined the term “low dating trajectory,” which is delayed dating or not dating at all, as a healthier and more developmentally stable path.[2]

Next, the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health) found that early romantic involvement was associated with: 1) Increased school discipline problems, 2) Higher rates of delinquency and risky behavior, and 3) Lower levels of parental communication and involvement.[3]

Finally, according to a 2013 study by researchers at the University of Georgia, adolescents who started dating earlier were more likely to: 1) Lose interest in academics, 2) Have lower GPA by 10th grade, 3) Experience higher rates of school dropout. The authors write, “Those who began dating in sixth or seventh grade showed the poorest academic trajectories, while those who delayed dating until later in adolescence fared significantly better.”[4]

Let me point out that none of these studies are religious. This is secular research that is revealing the dangers of dating a young age. Most of these studies point to the super young daters, such as middle school, but multiple studies talked about the ones who waited way beyond middle school as benefiting the most.

With this established, let’s move on to the next part.

Why Dating Should Start Later (From a Christian Worldview)

While there’s no Bible verse that says, “Thou shalt not date until 18,” there are principles in scripture that help us answer this question with wisdom. Let me share several of these.

The first reason why dating should begin later is that the purpose of dating should be to find a marriage partner. Dating should not be seen as something that is a “fun thing to do”, a way to mature around the opposite sex, a hobby, or a rite of passage. In the Bible, romantic relationships are always found within the context of a covenant commitment. God didn’t create romance to be casual, he created it to be purposeful. All the way back in Genesis, we see this about marriage: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

So the question isn’t, “What age can my child date?” Instead, the question is,“ At what age are they realistically ready to begin pursuing marriage?” For most kids, the answer to that question isn’t 13 or 14, or even 16. They’re not emotionally, spiritually, or financially ready. So why start “dating” when the purpose isn’t even on the table?

This is why the “right” age to begin dating can vary by time and culture (not the culture of dating, but the overall culture of working, maturing, and financial responsibility). Fifty or 100 years ago, it was more common to get married at a younger age. But that was because people were more emotionally, spiritually, or financially ready. Nowadays, because of the necessity of college and the high cost of living, many people are not ready to get married until much later than the previous generation.

The second reason why dating should begin later is because it guards the heart. Dating is like opening a portal to the heart. The earlier you begin dating, the earlier that portal is opened.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”

Teen dating often creates strong emotional bonds that develop long before either person is ready for long-term commitment. And when those bonds are broken (as they almost always are in teen dating), it can leave lasting wounds. Teen dating can set kids up for heartache, insecurity, and even temptation that they’re not equipped to handle.

As parents, is this the best path to take? We protect them in so many different ways, so why would we let them pursue something that has the potential to cause all sorts of heartfelt scars?

The third reason why dating should begin later is that we are called to not conform to the patterns of this world. Paul writes in Romans 12:2, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…” As Christian parents, our job is not to help our kids blend in. Our job is to help them stand firm. Just because “everyone else” is dating doesn’t mean your child should. You child will likely say, “But all my friends are allowed to date.” But what their friends do should not impact in how you parent.

Historically, romantic relationships were not something that young teens were involved in. It’s only in the past 70-100 years that casual dating has even been widespread, with a major shift in dating patterns happening during the sexual revolution. If you went back 150-200 years, there was no casual, recreational dating. People courted under the supervision of their parents for the purpose of getting married.

I am not suggesting that we go back to the customs of 200 years ago. My point is to show you that cultural standards of dating change, and in the past 100 years, have dramatically changed. As Christian parents, it is a bad idea to allow our kids to date simply because friends around them are. If you were to not conform to the patterns of this world, how might your child’s dating habits be different?

The fourth reason why dating should begin later is because it reduces sexual temptation. Even if you are a super careful parent and you have all sorts of boundaries in place, secular studies show that the earlier a child starts dating, the earlier he/she will likely encounter sexual temptation. This is not to say that a couple in 6^th grade that dates will automatically fall into sexual temptation. But I do believe it increases the chances of it happening earlier than if they were not dating at all. And if that is the case, Christian parents would be wise to help their children by protecting them from unnecessary temptation.

So to start dating at a young age is to unnecessarily expose your child to temptation. Paul writes, “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). He doesn’t say “resist” or “be careful around it.” No, he says FLEE. Fleeing indicates taking more extreme measures.

If your child wandered into a boxing ring, what would you tell him/her? “Oh, it’s ok, just fight! Resist the punches! Be careful with his right hook.” No way. If you understand the potential dangers, you would tell him/her, “RUNNNNN!!” Since sexual temptation in dating is statistically higher, why would we simply tell our kids, “resist”?

The fifth reason why dating should begin later is because we should pursue people with high character. And no offense to any of you, but a teenager does not typically have the level of character needed for the couple to thrive in their marriage. Sure, they may have some character. They may be a great kid. That is a good foundation for growing into some mature character. It’s just not there yet. So why rush into things why the character is not there?

It says in Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Young men, hold out for a woman who fears the Lord! Most likely, that will take some time as young women mature spiritually. Young women, same for you all. Hold out until you have a man of high character.

With all this in mind, what age should your child start dating?

It will depend on a number of factors. For example, are they emotionally stable and mature? Are they spiritually grounded and growing? Are they able to handle heartbreak and temptation in a God-honoring way? Are they old enough to begin genuinely thinking about marriage in the not-too-distant future? Personally, I think this points to the child being at least 18 years old before they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Some of you may have just spit out your coffee after reading that paragraph. I get it. Today’s dating culture is SIGNIFICANTLY younger than that. But as your pastor, I challenge you to think about this through the lens of a biblical worldview, without worldly influence. With the prominence of smart phones, internet, social media, and all the opinions and sinful actions displayed through those things, romantic relationships are not going to drift in a better, purer, or safer direction. It’s only going to get worse. So let’s be ready to protect our kids until they are more ready to date by not allowing them to date at a young age.

What Kids Can Do In The Meantime

If a child has to wait until they are eighteen (at minimum), what should they be doing in the meantime? Let me give you several things to consider.

Focus on learning how to build friendships. Teens can (and should!) build good relationships with the opposite sex, just not romantic ones yet. Friendship teaches communication, respect, and character without the pressure of romance. It takes the pressure off trying to find a boyfriend/girlfriend and also makes interactions with the other person so much easier.

I remember when I was in seminary I went on a mission trip to Thailand with about ten other students. We were all in our young or mid-twenties and 2/3 of the group was female. Let me tell you, I had a great time with my group and we all had so much fun. Do you know why? Because I was already married! And my being married (and faithfully married), took all the pressure off the friendships. As 1 Timothy 5:2 (NLT) says, “treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters.” Friendship with the opposite sex is so much easier when you are not desperate to date them.

My point is that friendships without pressure help develop better friendships. And during the teen years, this is what you need more than a boyfriend or girlfriend!

Practically speaking, this means the teen should focus more on group activities rather than one-on-one time. Do game nights, movie marathons, bowling, service projects, ice skating, or other fun things that people can do in groups.

When I was discussing this part of the article with my 13-year-old daughter, she brought up the point that a boy and girl can spend one-on-one time together without it being romantic or leading to something romantic. And yes, she is correct. I won’t legalistically say that boys and girls should never be alone together. But I will say that there is wisdom in having multiple people involved and the more one-on-one time there is, the more potential there will be for romantic feelings to develop. And more time they are alone the more temptation there will be to move forward with those romantic feelings.

What else should kids be doing instead of pursuing relationships? They should focus on building character and identity. A thirteen-year-old may not have strong character… yet. They may not have an identity… yet. These are all things that will happen — if pursued intentionally — but they take time. So let the teen years be about growing into the person God has created him/her to be.

Speaking of identity, these years are an important time for the child to grow in what they do and who they are. Instead of pursuing romantic relationships, they should try new things like music, sports, cooking, etc.

The third thing teens should be doing instead of dating is to grow with their family. The first eighteen years are the main family years. And how they are raised will have a big influence in how they keep their own family when they are old. So spend time together as a family! Do fun things and also do formative things. Let the first eighteen years be like your own little youth group, where you are in charge of discipling your child the best you can.

Conclusion

We all can probably think of that one couple we know that began dating in middle school, got married, and seemed to live “happily ever after.” That can happen. But it all comes down to odds. For example, if you knew you would win 50% of the time you played the Powerball lottery, you would have no difficulty justifying the money you put into it. But the reality is that it is far from 50% and you have a much greater chance of losing all your money than you do of making a bunch of money off it.

Likewise, it is possible that your child could find the love of their life in sixth grade. But it is far more likely that they will end up in heartbreak, temptation, trouble, or more. The far safer chance is for you to focus on your child growing and becoming a better person at that age so that they are ready to date when the right moment arises. This is a far better path for your child to take instead of allowing them to date because, “everyone else in my school is doing it!”

 

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[1] Negriff, S., & Trickett, P. K. (2014). “Early adolescent adjustment and sexual activity: The role of romantic relationships.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 43(8), 1347–1360.

[2] Orpinas, P., & Hsieh, H. (2019). Journal of School Health, 89(4), 277–285.

 

[3] Haynie, D. L., Giordano, P. C., Manning, W. D., & Longmore, M. A. (2005). Adolescent Romantic Relationships and Delinquency Involvement. Criminology, 43(1), 177–210. Data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health

[4] Source: Wang, M.-T., & Fredricks, J. A. (2013). “The Reciprocal Links Between School Engagement, Youth Problem Behaviors, and School Dropout During Adolescence.” Child Development.