Why even talk about this issue?
I am on a number of Facebook groups for pastors and a question comes up on a regular basis pertaining to this issue. It usually goes something like this:
“Betty and Arnold are living together and want to be married ‘in the eyes of God’ but not by the state. Betty is a widow who is receiving her former husband’s pension and if she get’s married she will lose that financial help. Therefore, she is asking me to marry her but not get a marriage license. What do you all think?”
While the details are different each time, the idea is the same: It is very common for people to request to be married by the church but not the state. They want to be seen as married but not officially licensed by the state they are in. This is called a “common law marriage.”
Most pastors I know are against this, but it raises a foundational question that I want to address. That is: Why should Christians, who see marriage as ultimately created and ordained by God, a divine institution, and a sacred commitment between two people, involve the secular government? After all, we don’t get a baptism license by the state. Additionally, there is no mention of Old Testament figures, like Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob, getting the government involved in their marriages. So why should Christians in America feel it is necessary?
A Biblical Response
To begin, let’s look at what the Bible has to say about the idea of involving the state in a Christian marriage.
1) Jesus had no problem with adhering to the rules of government
In Matthew 22, the Pharisees try to trap Jesus by asking him if Israelites should pay taxes to Caesar. Caesar was from the Roman so he was not a Jew. The Romans had conquered the Jews so at that time Israel was part of a province of the Roman Empire. This was certainly not by their choice and the people of Israel did not like the Roman government. Now did they like the taxes that were put on them by the Romans! Just think about the disciple Matthew, who worked as a tax collector for the Romans. He was despised by the Jewish people for because of his job!
With that background in mind, it would have been very reasonable for Jesus to say that Jews should not feel obligated to pay taxes to a government that took them over by force. However, he does!
19 “Show me the coin for the tax.” And they brought him a denarius. 20 And Jesus said to them, “Whose likeness and inscription is this?” 21 They said, “Caesar’s.” Then he said to them, “Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s” (Matthew 22:19-21).
In this situation, Jesus tells the Jewish people to pay taxes. They should adhere to the tax rules of the reigning government, even if it is not necessarily one they like.
By way of application, a strong case could be made for obeying the government in other areas, based on his words in Matthew 22. However, we don’t really have to do any applying because we are given the command to do in Romans, which we will look at next.
2) Christians are told to submit to their government
In Romans 7, Paul gives these words about how Christians should obey their secular government. Not just the governments they like, but ALL governments.
“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God… 5 Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. 6 For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. 7 Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed” (Romans 7:1, 5-7).
Paul makes it very clear in this passage that Christians should be good citizens who submit to the rules of their government. Not just the “good” governments that they like, but the bad ones as well!
There are certainly exceptions to this rule, such as when the government tells you to violate a command in Scripture. We see these exceptions play out in the book of Daniel. When Daniel is told he cannot pray to God, guess what he does? He still prays to God! This led him to be thrown into a den of lions. The same is true for Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who ended up in the fiery furnace.
However, the general rule given by God is that Christians should submit to their government (also see Acts 5:29 for another example). Therefore, if the government requires people who marry to fill out an application for a marriage license, should we do it? According to Romans 13, the answer is yes. Not because there is a biblical reason for involving the government in marriage, but simply because there is a biblical reason for submitting to the rules of the government in areas that do not ask us to go against God’s commands.
A Practical Response
In addition to the biblical reason for involving the state in a Christian marriage, there are also some practical reasons. Let’s take a look at those.
1) Honesty
This is not true for every situation, but MANY of the situations that lead couples to pursue a common law marriage is because they want to have the benefits of a religious marriage while also enjoying the benefits of not being officially married. For example, one pastor shared that the couple didn’t want to lose their financial benefits from their deceased spouse. Another pastor shared how not being married allowed the couple to get food stamps and other government help (because the mom listed all their children, was single, and unemployed while the dad was the financial supporter even though he was not officially listed as part of the family).
Whatever the reason, many of the situations come down to the desire to be dishonest in some way. From a Christian perspective, this is a very bad reason to want to be married “in the eyes of God.” From a secular perspective, this takes advantage of an already overtaxed system.
2) Marriage is a sacred covenant that has societal implications
I am certainly not going to say that the Christian institution of marriage is a secular institution, but I don’t think it is a reach to say that this Christian institution has implications that spread beyond Christianity.
For example, taxes, social benefits, legal protection, assistance for children, and many other aspects of life are partially determined by a person’s marital status. Marriage certainly reaches beyond the religious “walls” so it makes perfect sense that we would want to involve the government.
3) Protection for the spouse
There is a reason why rich people are big into having prenuptial agreements. The agreements protect one side if they get divorced, ensuring that the money stays with the person who earned it.
Prenuptial agreements point to the reason I bring this all up. A legal marriage between two people keeps both sides protected if one side leaves.
Do you know who the fifth richest woman in the world is? According to Forbes, it is MacKenzie Scott, the ex-wife of Jeff Bezos, who founded Amazon. When they got divorced, Scott was given a certain percentage of their combined weath to keep things fair. In her case, the percentage was not super high — only 4% — but that small percentage meant she was then a billionaire!
While Scott is an extreme example, it points to the way that marriage protects the person in the marriage who may not work full-time, opting to stay at home and raise kids. If the working man were to ever leave, she would have some ways to keep some of what he earned while they were married. This, and other similar reasons, points to the importance of a state licensed marriage.
Conclusion
If we lived in an area where there was no government, then it would be a no-brainer for me to agree to marry someone “in the eyes of God.” If this were some sort of dystopian society where marriages were prohibited in some way, then I would be in favor of marrying before God. Dystopian society aside, this is exactly how many slaves got married in the 19th century. They were not allowed to marry, so they often engaged in a common-law marriage.
However, as much as you may not like the current government, the situations from the previous paragraph are not the case. Just about anyone who wants to can go down to the courthouse and get a marriage license (with some obvious rules and requirements in place).
Since Jesus and Paul tell us to submit to our government, and the government in our state says it is not legal to marry someone without a license, I would not agree to do a common-law marriage. If things change in the future to one of the extreme situations I mentioned, then maybe that would change. But right now, here in 2024, a common law marriage is NOT something I would consider doing, and I recommend that you do not consider it either.