The following quote is from the book Married Sex by Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta:
Guys, one thing is clear: the best way to ruin your desire for your wife is to look at pornography. If I need to think about what gets me going, I first need to rid myself of anything that stops me from getting going. And if statistics are to be believed, more than half of today’s husbands are sabotaging their marital bed by viewing pornography.
Here’s how porn works: The dopamine hit that makes porn use so enticing for some men comes from seeing a naked woman you’ve never seen before. This has been called the “Coolidge effect.” It’s the “something new” that gets you excited. If you come across a picture or video that’s familiar, your brain doesn’t get the same pop. That’s why, for seriously addicted men, porn sessions can last for hours. There’s always one more click to make, one more “new” woman to see.
This is the exact opposite of marital sexuality, where sexual satisfaction comes from desiring a woman you’ve seen naked hundreds or thousands of times through all stages of life. Porn actually trains your brain to find less satisfaction and interest in your wife. If we preserve a faithful and loyal mind, however, the exact opposite happens. When we make love to our wives, we get a huge hit of oxytocin. When the oxytocin is released, our wives become more attractive to us, while other women become less attractive in comparison. By remaining mentally faithful and regularly making love to our wife, we are training our brain to view our wife as the most beautiful woman in the world. And we are cementing our sexual satisfaction in the way God intended.
Some men may say, “But watching porn gets me excited to have sex with my wife.” Two things to think about here. First, is it your wife you’re excited about, or is it the thought of sex? Those are two very different things. Second, as time goes on, many wives who agree to watch porn come to resent it and start to ask, “Why can’t he get excited about having sex with me without seeing other naked women first?” Just because something worked once or twice doesn’t mean it’s an intelligent or healthy long-term strategy. Similarly, getting drunk may make you momentarily forget your pain, but it opens the door to all kinds of long-term problems.
We husbands should strive for the testimony of Song of Songs 6:9 (ESV): “My dove, my perfect one, is the only one.” Our wife becomes our standard of beauty. There’s no competition. The Song of Songs leads men to a place of asking, “Why would I want to look at anyone else when I can fill my eyes, mind, and heart with the beauty of my wife?” While we may still find the feminine form attractive and still notice the beauty of other women, our sexual desire is reserved exclusively for our wife. Embracing that truth leads to a satisfaction that porn will never match. Learn the difference between gratification and satisfaction. Porn may leave you momentarily gratified but never satisfied. And the price you pay in shame, guilt, and anger will make that gratification seem brutal.
