Does “saving yourself” for marriage mean you will have an amazing sex life?
A few years ago, after I preached on a biblical view of sex, someone came up to me and said, “Wow! I felt like I was in youth group again.” I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad, but I smiled and continued on, saying hi to people. I later learned that he was implying that was bad. It was as if he was saying, “Thanks for telling me what they say to kids, but now that I am a big boy, I am going to live according to what I decide.”
He is right about one thing: In youth group, we do talk about sex and the importance of not having sex before marriage. That is a “youth group” topic that is important long after youth group as well.
But why should we not have sex before marriage? Some people falsely assume it is so that we will have an amazing sex life when they are married. People think, “I did it God’s way, so now he is going to bless my marriage with a great sex life.”
In her book, Married Sex, Debra Fileta writes about sex in one part and emphasizes the importance not waiting to have sex before marriage just so that you will have better sex later on. If you do that, you will likely be disappointed! Instead, you hold off on having sex to grow in so many other areas. She writes:
But the problem with this entire belief system is that it’s rooted in a false claim. We don’t wait so we can have an evening of ecstasy on our honeymoon night (because trust me, that’s rarely the case). We wait because through the process of waiting our relationship is built, our trust is strengthened, and our commitment to each other is tried, tested, and refined. We wait because through the process of waiting, we learn discipline, self-control, loyalty, and reverence for the sacred. We wait because it’s an act of worship and obedience to a God who knows exactly how we’re wired, what we need, and what is best for our lives. Our waiting is an act of trusting, and trusting God always leads us to greater things. We wait, not because of what it will do for us, but because of what it will do within us. Because you can’t establish a good sex life until you’ve established good character first.
An awesome sex life in marriage is possible, but it is not a guarantee just because you saved yourself before marriage. As Fileta later points out, a good sex life comes from hard work as you grow closer physically, spiritually, and emotionally. In the meantime, hold off on having sex because God said so. As you do this, you are far more likely to grow in other areas as you obey God.