One of my favorite Christian books is Lord Foulgrin’s Letters, which is a modern day take on The Screwtape Letters. Both of these are about a head demon writing to a lower demon with advice on how to destroy and minimize Christians. With both of these outstanding books in mind, I have written some new advice from Foulbreath, a head demon, to the lowly demon, Littlesnake.
Dear Littlesnake,
Now that you have been assigned to my squad (which should be a great honor to you), I want to begin a regular correspondence to help you so you do not do anything that will reflect poorly on me. I am an expert at exploiting the enemy (those despicable followers of the person I will not even mention).
Let me begin with something very basic, yet at the same time, paramount to the life of a Christian. This is what they call “Christian accountability.”
In case you are even more stupid than I think, let me describe what accountability looks like so you will know what to prevent. The accountability we want to prevent is when two or more Christians meet together to give account of one’s actions in order for the others to encourage, challenge, correct, and rebuke that person.
Why is accountability so important to prevent? Christians who hold each other accountable are more prone to avoid habits which they call sin. They are also more prone to engage in habits which we hate, such as reading the Bible (that book we have spent so much effort on maligning), praying, evangelizing, and other habits that make my blood boil. Simply put, if we allow them to engage in accountability it will be harder to lead them astray.
Simply put, if we allow them to engage in accountability it will be harder to lead them astray.
Fortunately, very few Christians actually engage in genuine accountability. This is in part owing to their own laziness. It is to our benefit that accountability takes hard work and vulnerability; two traits modern day Christians are not likely to exhibit.
Yet this is also owing to our schemes that prevent them from doing it. Here are a few methods you can use to prevent them from engaging in accountability.
First, encourage the person to avoid other Christians. As the motto goes, “If you can’t prevent him from becoming a Christian, prevent him from knowing other Christians.” Use whatever method is effective. Remind him that their church is full of hypocrites, the pastor preaches boring messages, or that the person is too messed up to go to church.
Say whatever you can to prevent him from going to church. I think it is awesome that we have convinced so many people to “love God but not the church.” Their ignorance will destroy them. Simply keep them away from church and there will be little else we will need to do.
Second, if you can’t prevent a Christian from going to church then prevent him from getting too close to anyone else at church. Convince him that hanging out after the service is all he needs. We all know that nothing very productive happens when greeting each other before, after (or during) a service. So make them believe that that is all they need.
We all know that nothing very productive happens when greeting each other before, after (or during) a service. So make them believe that that is all they need.
Third, if he begins to meet with other Christians in those horrid meetings they call “small groups,” then do all you can to keep the small group on a superficial level. Turn it into a social time. I love it when Christians meet together and only talk about sports or television. Or better yet, sow division into that small group. A divided group will not bother us at all.
At all costs, prevent that small group from becoming honest, open, and vulnerable with each other. Do not let them know so much about the other person that they begin to care for each other. That is when accountability begins to happen and we must prevent that.
At all costs, prevent that small group from becoming honest, open, and vulnerable with each other.
I am counting on you, Littlesnake. Prevent accountability at all costs.
Your High Commander,
-Foulbreath